omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
