so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
