You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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