Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
