Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
