eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There r osticjed everywhere
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
