she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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