if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
