What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
