how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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