i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize