I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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