Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
