HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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