Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
