I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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