Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
