Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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