The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
