I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
