dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thank you for not boning my boss.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
