Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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