He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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