Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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