Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
