It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
