Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
