the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How does one acquire holy water?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
