Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
