From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
