I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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