Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just pee around me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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