U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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