We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
