And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
