I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
don't judge my taste in strippers
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
