You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
