Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
tell me about the fingering
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
