Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
