I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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