she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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