Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
