i think my mom watched the whole time
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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