Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
