at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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