I just cut my nipple shaving
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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