You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He passed out mid-signature
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
