True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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