Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
