for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
