Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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