I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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