dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
