Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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