dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
