If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
