She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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