Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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